Author: 777999

WGT Profile Page

Published on 06 Dec

 

     THE RULES AND LAWS OF GOLF, THE WGT WAY!

 

 

 

 

     Kind folks, after a long period of careful study and painstaking research, I’ve finally succeeded in unraveling - at least in part - the inner workings of that Twilight Like Zone we have come to know and sometimes grudgingly love as, “The World Golf Tour (WGT)”.  Now, for the first time ever, you can get at least a glimpse into this confusing, and at times, downright perplexing universe which seems to obey no known law of the normal space-time-continuum.

 

     While I do not, in any way, profess to have solved all your problems, or be able to answer all your questions, the following laws may perhaps help, at least, shepherd and guide you through the mine field of this special and rather quirky “E” universe. So, forewarned with that knowledge and this fair warning firmly in mind, you may now proceed with complete uncertainty into this murky world where you can at least, for a time, leave all your cares and worries behind.

 

 

THE RULES, OR IF YOU WILL THE LAWS OF GOLF!  THE WORLD GOLF TOUR WAY!

 

 

LAW NUMBER 1: No great shot will go unpunished! Good shots seem to be permitted, provided you do not have too many of them in a given round. A great shot, however, such as that holed Eagle from 180 yards out, will be penalized harshly at some point during the round. The severity of the penalty imposed being directly proportional to just how good that shot really was.

 

LAW NUMBER 2: First learn, and understand Law Number 1.

 

LAW NUMBER 3: The normal laws of the universe do not apply here! WGT has complete control of the cosmological constant and can control gravity. In fact, it’s believed by many that they can actually control space and time. So please do not be surprised when your ball sales gracefully into the lake, despite having hit the ding perfectly for the first time in days!

 

LAW NUMBER 4: It is best before starting any round to take each of your 14 clubs in hand and give them a hug and tell them just how much you love them. By religiously practicing this small act of kindness, you can slowly over time make friends with your clubs. They will feel better about themselves and so will you.

 

LAW NUMBER 5: The odds of your ball ending up in a lake or lost in the weeds are directly proportional to: how new it is and how much you were foolish enough to pay for it. Balls newly purchased and still in their sleeve seem to be immune to this effect, so it is strongly advised to leave them alone.

 

LAW NUMBER 6: Your ball really isn’t round. Oh sure, it looks perfectly round sitting there all gleaming and proud on the tee or sitting there innocently on the green just 3 feet away from that certain birdie putt. However, this all changes the moment the ball is struck, and it mysteriously transforms itself into the shape of an egg and wobbles by the cup.

 

LAW NUMBER 7: This is really a continuation to Law Number 6. The amount of eggeyness (is that really a word?) seems to be somewhat effected by how much it has cost you. A fairly inexpensive ball, such as a WGT SD, or Srixon, seems to be more egg shaped when struck, while a high end Nike or Max, seems to be slightly less affected by this strange deformity. House balls have even been observed to become square, and in extreme cases, even triangular when placed in motion, resulting in some truly astonishing and downright embarrassing misadventures. You deserve this, of course, for being so cheap and not getting yourself a decent set of balls.

 

LAW NUMBER 8: Play with your ball(s) and don’t forget to tell them just how nice they feel in your hand. Doing this constantly will build confidence in you balls, resulting in longer straighter drives. It has been my experience that the more love and attention you shower your balls with, the better they will perform. This attention will also greatly reduce your balls natural tendency to seek water, or the shelter of tall weeds. It can also keep them from ending up in a sand trap where those nasty sand crabs like to nip and bite at your toes. You have this coming of course, just because it happens to be earth day is no excuse for going barefoot!

 

LAW NUMBER 9: This is a continuation from Law Number 8, but equally important. It is perfectly ok to play with your balls in public and if challenged, simply assure you fellow players that you are only adjusting your keys. I promise you, they will understand. Maybe they have just been waiting for the chance to adjust their key chain too!

 

LAW NUMBER 10: Before Teeing Up your balls make sure to give them a good kiss, they like this and will give you enhanced performance. Better still, lick’em with your tongue, you will be amazed at their response.

 

LAW NUMBER 11: God did not intend for you to play golf! If he had, he’d have given your better equipment in the first place. The game was in fact invented by the devil as your punishment for some offense in a past lifetime. Why else would your stick be crooked and your balls egg shaped?

 

LAW NUMBER 12: At some point during your career you will finally hit that perfect tee shot, in fact you even managed to hit that all elusive ding square on! Then as your ball sails away straight and true as it never has before, rising majestically into the air, yep, you got it, disaster strikes. Right there before your very horror filled eyes, and to your total and utter dismay, your ball strikes a migrating Canadian goose dead in the head killing the poor creature instantly! It is now, and only now, that the normal laws of gravity apply here, and your ball and freshly slain bird fall like a stone to the ground. Dismayed and heartbroken, you at least figure that dinner is on the table for tonight, but no, guess again, that score card is not a hunting license my friend, oh no! You must return your ill-gotten fowl to WGT. How do I return it, you may ask. Well my friend, you must contact the WGT Customer Support Staff and they will tell you exactly where to stick it! Then upon receipt, the ever vigilant and helpful WGT Staff will be more than happy to cook your goose for you!

 

LAW NUMBER 13: Why your meter is not really broken. This is due to a little known and totally misunderstood concept I’ve come to call the “Tickle Factor”. What the heck is that you may ask? Well my friends, it is a deeply embedded and totally random algorithm program within the WGT program. This is a well thought out design feature to provide each and every player a sort of much needed mental goose, as-it-were, every once in a while. Some of you, like me, may experience it more frequently than others. This is because WGT knows us and all our intimate feelings and thoughts so well, and has therefore determined that you and I need special attention and additional stimulation on a continuing basis.           So enjoy!

 

LAW NUMBER 14: Why buying new clubs today, or any day, is a bad idea. Let’s face it folks, we all like to get the latest and greatest clubs we can, but buying now is a bad idea and here is why. For just as sure as little green apples; two days after you get that shiny new 4500 credit set of clubs, yep, you guessed it, WGT will release something new and improved. So be patient and save up those credits.

 

LAW NUMBER 15: Upgrading your computer equipment is useless. Only after having squandered countless sums on a new faster computer you will come to fully appreciate this immutable rule. Even upgrading your ISP with the fastest connection speed known to man will give you no peace. How can this possibly be true you may well ask? Well my friend, you did not fully read and understand Law Number 11. Please go back and study it again and pay special attention to the “Tickle” factor.

 

LAW NUMBER 16: Reaching the ultimate goal. Finally after perhaps years of struggle and sacrifice, you've made it all the way to the top of the heap. Congratulations! You've made it to the Legend Tier, and for those truly determined souls, Tour Champion (by invitation only, and is truly only for those who have truly gone where no one should ever go). It is only at this stage that you notice the full extent of your physical and mental degeneration. Your friends (those few that you still have left, that is) tend to keep a respectful (or, is that fearful) distance whenever you are around - especially if you have a club in your hand.

 

LAW NUMBER 17: You will become completely addicted to the game. After a period of time you tend to develop the following symptoms, such as tending to drool a lot. You will start to mumble incoherently, causing your loved ones to seriously consider having you committed for your own safety. In time, your eyes will become bloodshot and permanently form into a narrow squint from the many hours of starring into the video screen (where that special world of yours resides). Your mouse hand will become deformed and your clicker finger arthritic, aching constantly from the millions of clicks it has endured over the years. You go without eating properly, sometimes going for days subsiding only on boloney sandwiches and beer. Your family and spouse seem to no longer recognize you when you make one of your ever increasingly rare appearances. In some instances, the children will point at you and ask who that strange individual is, while others rush with the camera to take creature sighting pictures of you just to prove that you really still do exist to the neighbors - who may be wondering if you were buried under the house.

 

LAW NUMBER 18: You will never learn your lesson! Despite having experienced the results all of the previous laws and their repercussions, they will have no effect on your determination to play just one more round. So no matter how downtrodden you have become, no matter how bitter and increasingly belligerent you may be, you will continue to suffer on. So pick up your bag my friend, hug your clubs, talk and play with your balls, because after all is said and done! You are a golfer!